As the title of this post infers, I’ve been struggling slightly with the re-opening of some old wounds, specifically, those from T. I’ve mentioned in multiple posts my past experiences with T and how they have influenced my life today, and even though it sometimes goes to the back of my mind and I’m not always thinking of it, little things can trigger the memories so quickly, and I had started to forget myself even, until this weekend.
I’ve been in a very healthy place lately and I’m so fortunate for that. However, this past weekend, I was reminded of the abuse from T. My fiancé and I had a date night on Friday and we got home and were going to have some fun. My feet were freezing and I typically wrap them around him because he’s so warm all the time and we started acting goofy and I was trying to put my feet on his body to warm them up. After goofing around a couple minutes he got all serious and looked at me and said, “I don’t like that, don’t you know that no means no?” And that was it. That was all it took. I instantly shut down. Not because I thought he was mad at me or that he was upset I was goofing off with him, but because of the memories it brought back. Those words. I had uttered those words multiple times before. I cried those words before. I whispered those words. I said those words between sobs and tears.
Of course, I had heard people joking around on campus a few years ago when our school put up posters saying that “consent was sexy” and it didn’t bother me then, even though it was during and after T that they were put up. Those posters stared back at me in the bathroom stalls and each time I saw them, I got angry, I got teary-eyed, I wanted to rip them apart. I felt so much and yet nothing at the same time when I saw those posters. Students would joke around and say “no means no!” to each other all over campus and then laugh about it. It didn’t bother me then. It’s such a hard and indescribable thing to explain and put into words. I brushed off the jokes people would make when they saw the posters and how they found the words on the page hilarious.
But for some reason this past weekend, hearing my fiancé say those words, even though it was a completely different context and he meant nothing offensive by it, it hurt. It stung so bad and brought me back to the dark moments of being with T. I know he thought nothing of it when he said those words and he was very apologetic about it after I told him why I shut down, but it also discourages me. I hate that something so simple to others breaks me down and makes me shut down completely. It makes me feel as though I haven’t made the progress that I thought I had. That I still can’t get past it, that it still haunts me, that I’ll never get over it.
I’m trying to stay positive and move past what happened this weekend and I feel like I’ve been doing a pretty good job so far. I haven’t been perseverating on it and I’m directing my mind towards my job and doing things around the townhouse. I’m sorry for a gloomy little update here and nothing really up beat. I will have more positive things to talk about (hopefully) in a post later this week!